How, exactly, should a person apologize?
I thought about that when Andy Frisella, co-founder of Supplement Superstore and 1st Phorm nutritional supplements, went on a rant during a podcast and talked about his dark fantasy involving female police officers.
He was against the very concept of female officers. He said they were difficult to deal with. “Especially when you know that if that person didn’t have a badge or a gun, you could punch a hole through their (expletive) face and end their (expletive) life.â€
Bad grammar!
But I am not concerned with the decline of proper English. I am more interested in the dying art of apology.
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Before we get to Frisella’s case, let’s consider two prominent people who have tried to apologize in recent days.
University of Florida football coach Billy Napier found himself playing defense after saying that he and his team had to tune out “what some guy in his basement is saying in rural central Florida on social media.â€
Why was the coach slighting fans in rural central Florida? And do people in Florida even have basements?
His apology: “Obviously didn’t explain myself the way I should have there,†he said. “I want to make it very clear there was no reference to our fans.â€
Well, who else in rural central Florida is commenting about the team on social media? This is an example of the denial apology. You didn’t really say what you said. It hardly ever fools anybody.
Elon Musk was criticized for tweeting to his 200 million followers that it was interesting that no one is trying to assassinate President Joe Biden or Vice President Kamala Harris. Critics pounced. Political violence is not something to joke about, they said.
His apology: “Well, one lesson I’ve learned is that just because I say something to a group and they laugh doesn’t mean it’s going to be all that hilarious as a post on X.â€
This is the joke-gone-wrong apology, and it is a go-to for many of us seniors. It’s too easy to offend people these days. In this instance, though, it shows an astounding lack of self-awareness. If you are one of the richest people in the world, other folks are going to laugh at your jokes even if they are not funny.
Still, it was an effort.
Let’s get back to Frisella. In his initial attempt at an apology, he said he “took responsibility†for generalizing.
“What I really mean is that certain women shouldn’t be police officers, and certain men shouldn’t be police officers. And if we’re going to have women be police officers, they should be capable. They should be emotionally stable.â€
This is an example of the clarification apology. You are not apologizing as much as recasting what you said in a more reasonable light. It seldom works.
Let’s be clear about something. In this country, you are allowed to have dark fantasies — as long as you don’t act upon them — and you are free to believe just about anything. You can believe that Jewish people are starting California wildfires with space rays. You can believe that Lizard People walk among us and are running the world. You can believe that Black immigrants are eating our pets. You can believe that women are less emotionally stable than men.
You do not have to apologize for your beliefs.
Of course, when you are associated with a business and you say outrageous things on a podcast, you create problems for that business.
So when Frisella’s clarification apology didn’t placate his critics, he tried again.
He explained that he had been triggered by recent publicity about a professional football player who had been stopped and then dragged out of his car. Frisella said he recalled a terrifying incident in which two female officers had him face down on the side of a highway. Fortunately, a male officer — somebody with emotional stability! — came along and took control of the volatile situation, and the story ended happily.
Could that really have happened? It sounds to me like a supplement-fueled MAGA nightmare about uppity women with guns and handcuffs.
Frisella’s apology continued.
“I was trying to make the point that women escalate situations sometimes because they are armed and men do the same,†he said. He said he had been wrong to single out women.
“It’s not what I feel in my heart,†he said.
That’s a little better, but still not good.
Admittedly, Frisella is in a difficult position. People tell me that these Bro podcasts are full of cursing and misogyny and tough talk. You don’t want to appear sensitive. Apologies show weakness. Still, there’s a responsibility to the business here.
So let’s try again.
New apology: “I got worked up the other day and said something I don’t believe. If that speaks to a certain emotional instability, just remember I’m a man. I truly believe that all police officers — no matter their gender — deserve our respect. They have mine. I’m sorry I said otherwise.â€
That might not be completely honest, but few apologies are.
Should the business suffer because of the comments of a co-founder? That’s difficult to say. I have a Jewish friend whose extended family will not buy Fords because of Henry Ford’s anti-semitism. The autoworkers had nothing to do with that. I know people who won’t drink Bud Light because the executives sent a can to a transgender influencer. The bottlers had nothing to do with that.
For the most part, though, anger wanes. People will soon forget about this. There will be a new outrage soon. Count on it.